If I Were Google: Unsolicited Answers to the Most Frequently Googled Questions.

What is my ip?

‘Allo guvna! Oihm ‘appy to ‘elp with that one, oi am! Your ‘ip is that fing you put your ‘and on when you’re cross at sumfin’.  It’s connected to your leg-bone, ya’ know? Like the song! Penny for a guy? Ta then!

What time is it?

6:28pm Eastern Standard Time.

1828 hundred hours

Time for you to get a watch.

Closing time. One last call for alcohol.

It’s Showtime (Showtime) Showtime! What time is it? SHOWTIME!

How to register to vote?

[Russian Chatbot] You think that’s going to make a difference, you stupid American? Smiley Emoji.

How to tie a tie?

Drape the tie gently around your neck, so the thick end is longer than the thin end. If you’re right handed, make sure the thick end is on your right. Cross the thick end over the thin end near the second button from the top of your shirt. While holding the intersection where the ends cross with your right hand, continue wrapping the thick end around the thin end twice. Be sure to wrap the tie around the fingers of your right hand. After the second wrap, insert the thick end of the tie between your neck, and your right hand. Now insert the thick end through the space maintained by the right hand, Pull the thick end through what is now a knot. Gently tug on the thin end to raise the knot towards the top button of your shirt. Prepare to undo your work, and try again multiple times until the thick end and the thin end are approximately the same length.  Maybe watch a how-to video on YouTube. Then, when you’re too frustrated to continue, forget the tie and unbutton your top button.

Can you run it?

Can I? You bet I can. I can run it harder, and faster than you. Nanny nanny boo boo. Stick your head in doo doo.

What song is this?

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Baa Baa Black Sheep.

The Alphabet Song.

How to lose weight?

Stop carrying a messenger bag.

How many ounces in cup?

If it’s an athletic cup, it depends on the size of your junk.

If it’s a diva cup, it depends on your flow.

When is Mother’s Day?

Sometime in May.

How many ounces in a pound?

Depends. Is it a pound of rocks, or a pound of feathers?

How many ounces in a gallon?

Depends. Is it a gallon of mercury, or a gallon of milk?

How many weeks in a year?

52. One for every card in the deck. Not counting jokers.

When is Father’s Day?

Sometime in June.

What is my ip address?

Blimey, don’t be daft! It’s the same as the ‘ouse yer arse sits in!

Can I run it?

Not as fast or as hard or as long as I can. Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah.

How to get pregnant?

Eliminate sex ed in schools and restrict access to healthcare for women.

How to download YouTube videos?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Huh? I forgot the question.

How to screenshot on mac?

If that’s your thing, I’m not going to judge, but speaking as a former Apple Store employee, taking screenshots on your mac may not be covered by Apple Care. Could cause water damage.

How old is Donald Trump?

Younger than springtime, older than Hitler.

If I Were Google: Unsolicited Answers…